When I became a mother, I felt that my life from that moment on would be lived for my son. Though he is a motivating factor in my life. I needed something deeper than motherhood to motivate me. I needed something separate from the identifying word, mom, to fuel the passion and desires that I had in my heart. I knew that I was called to be way more than just a mother. That my purpose existed outside of the 9-5 work schedule, late night feedings, and everything that I “thought” was supposed to fulfill me.
Honestly, I spent all my life using motherhood and becoming a wife as my made it mile marker. So, what happens when you obtain something you always wanted and fulfillment isn’t met? What happens when you’re scared to share those thoughts because, what would people think if they knew that I needed more?
It is something that I have struggled with these past 10 months. My life has drastically changed. My time and focus have shifted and are shared with my responsibility of being a mother. I often feel like my feelings and wants take the backseat to bottle making and diaper changes. It’s not about what I need but rather what I can get by with, while ensuring all sacrifices that need to be made happen for him.
I get lost. I get lost in wanting to be important. Lost is wanting to feel beautiful again, in my eyes. I long for what body I had before. I crave the alone time and freedom of single life. I am envious of a life that I view as carefree, because other’s responsibilities don’t look like mine. I’m afraid to share my feelings and concerns with other mothers because of judgement, with friends because I don’t want to come across ungrateful, with male friends or interest because I don’t want to be viewed as weak, and holding back just becomes a way of life.
I have been at this place before. Having so much to say but not knowing how to get it all out. Beginning to write but then become afraid of all that comes with sharing your story.
But….I am going to push through again. I don’t know where it will lead and how it will end. My only goal is to start sharing, in the hopes that there is one mother out there who feels the same way. Who can relate to something that I have said and feels that warming comfort of not being alone. That there is another person out there facing the same challenges, thinking the same thoughts, and fighting the same feelings. As a woman, you aren’t alone and as a mother, your thoughts and feelings don’t negate your role. It is ok to need and want more.
So I make myself accessible, I vow to be transparent, and will each day to choose to be vulnerable to the emotions that come. All while figuring out this life of Mommy vs. MonCheri.